Give the Gift of Encouragement

It’s that time of year when many people are busy looking for the perfect gift for everyone on their list. You search Amazon, read the reviews, press the button to order, and two days later, there is box with a smile on your doorstep. Mission accomplished.

While physical gifts can be nice, the gift of encouragement can be enjoyed long after the holiday decorations are packed away in the closet. The gift of encouragement can motivate people to take bigger risks and share their talents with the world, and it is as easy as ordering on Amazon.

Opening the Gift of Encouragement

I recently felt the joy as a recipient of the gift of encouragement through a podcasting workshop I joined. Expressing myself through my physical voice and dealing with technical editing programs was something that was going to be a stretch for me, but I knew I needed a new challenge. I quickly entered my credit card information before I changed my mind.

After a few weeks of lessons and giving it a try, I realized how many things could go wrong with a podcast. I couldn’t believe my voice recording was too loud. In real life, I have been referred to as the low talker from Seinfeld, so that problem came as a shocker. I kept saying “and” as a filler, and sometimes I was not enunciating words enough.

When it came to editing, I struggled with the tools used to adjust my volume and spent hours trying to figure out how to convert file types. Trying to make all of these improvements and learning all of the steps to producing a successful podcast was starting to feel overwhelming, and I contemplated giving up.

Rather than give up, I decided to share my challenges with my classmates in the workshop. What I found was an amazing community of support. My classmates took the time to point out what I was doing well and reminded me that perfection was not the goal. Receiving their continual support and encouragement pushed me to continue on the podcasting path, and it reminded me why I was taking the class.

When I reflected on this experience, it made me realize how much power we have to assist others who may be struggling. Our words and actions have power. I think this is even more important when someone is new at something or sharing their talents for the first time. Sharing some words of encouragement and letting them know at least one thing you really liked about what they did can build confidence and keep people on the path to growth.

Impacting Youth

Another place we can have a big impact is by encouraging youth. I mentor two super awesome teenagers. They both do really well in school, participate in various leadership programs and are kind, good kids. When one of them recently let me know about a scholarship she received, I congratulated her and let her know how proud I was. She said, “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

I instantly thought she was giving me too much credit. I was not the one working hard at school and taking time to put together a scholarship application – it was all her. She could easily do this without me. While this is true, I was also underestimating the power of encouragement and showing others you care about them. It takes courage to submit a scholarship application, knowing you will be competing with students throughout a large metro area.

By participating with her in the workshops and other programs through our mentoring organization, she is learning the skills to gain confidence and set goals for herself. Hearing words of reinforcement from me might also be giving her that boost she needs to remind herself that she is worthy and has everything she needs to succeed.

I was also fortunate to have someone who believed in me when I was young. When I was in high school, I started a school newspaper. For some reason, the principal was not supportive of the newspaper and wouldn’t let me use the school’s copy machine to print them (maybe it was because the school only seemed interested in supporting the football team). My mother saw the passion I had for the school newspaper and believed in me. She would take the newspaper with her to work and walk over to a copy store to have it printed on her lunch break. She continues to support my writing by reading all my blog posts and telling me I should write a book. Hi, mom. Thanks for believing in me!

It would be easy for some people to brush this off and think that moms are supposed to love and support their kids, but I know that is not always the case. Some parents attend their kids’ sporting events and yell at them the entire game, with expectations that their seven-year-old should be playing basketball at the level of Steph Curry. Some of these parents focus all of their efforts on what their children are doing wrong and can easily cause overwhelm and extra stress.

When you are in a learning phase, this can be especially destructive. You’re not going to be perfect right out of the gate. If too much focus is on what is wrong, it can sometimes make you shut down and give up.

I’m not saying constructive feedback and growth shouldn’t be encouraged. It is important to mix the items for improvement with encouragement to create the perfect recipe to keep people moving forward and growing, rather than feeling like they are not good enough and giving up.

How Can We Give This Gift?

If you see someone being brave, say something. You may observe someone’s courage at work, on social media or hear about it from others. Do you reach out to recognize these people for what they are doing and let them know the impact it has on you? It takes just a few moments and can be the thing that propels them to do even more and to understand the difference they are making.

Let’s acknowledge people when they put themselves out there. It is not always easy to have the courage to share our gifts and talents with the world. When you share yourself with others, you know that some people may not particularly like your style, personality or message. That is not a reason to quit.

I will leave you with a video a friend recently shared with me (grab some tissue). Where do you think this woman would be without the combination of her own passion and the encouragement from her parents?

Making a Big Leap

It is easy to get stuck in a monotonous rut – wake up, go to work, go to the gym, watch a little TV and go to bed. Why take a risk when everything feels so comfortable and predictable? That routine makes the days go by easily, but it doesn’t bring any excitement. I realized I was avoiding life.

The Challenge

I was hanging out with a friend one day, and she casually asks me if I want to go skydiving. She already knew how to pilot a plane and wanted to add jumping out of a plane to her adventures. Her birthday was coming up, so she suggests that we celebrate by flying through the air. I answer, “Maybe,” with a little trepidation in my voice.

My friend says she will check back with me in a week. She is not one of those friends who forgets things, so I knew I was not off the hook and that she would follow up. She gathers all of the information about each of the local skydiving locations, checking their safety records and reviews. She emails all of the details to me, and before I allow myself to enter analysis paralysis, I say, “let’s do it.” A few days later we put our deposit down at Skydive Buckeye, making it official that we are taking the leap.

Time to Jump

Today is the day. It doesn’t feel real until we are driving down the road to the airport. As we approach, we see a bright red parachute in the sky. We both let out a scream as reality hits us that we are really doing this.

As we walk out to the small plane that will take us high into the sky, I know that there is no turning back. My mouth begins to get dry. The plane lifts off and we begin the climb. I punch my friend’s leg a few times, asking her why she made me do this. After 20 minutes of flying, we reach an altitude of about two miles.

I am closest to the door, so I figured out that I am jumping first. The door opens, and my tandem jumper places my feet on a small ledge outside of the plane. He takes a quick video of my shocked and frightened face, and then down we plummet. It is hard to describe the feeling of force for the initial free-fall, but the video and pictures would capture my rippling face and earlobes, so I can relive it whenever I want.

About 40 seconds later, he opens the parachute, and I finally relax a little as we glide and spin around the sky, taking in the views and feeling free. At that point, I don’t really want it to end, but the earth calls me to return. We come in for a nice, smooth landing. It almost feels weird to be on the ground after the freedom of the sky. My friend lands soon after, and we hug in celebration of our courage.

Skydive High

I’m still feeling my “dive high” a week after jumping out of the plane. A lot of people called us crazy for making the leap, but I wasn’t prepared for how much it changed my perspective about myself. I feel a new sense of confidence, empowerment and possibility for my life. I realized how much I missed the feeling of adventure and the peace and freedom I felt when I was in the air.

Other Big Leaps

The date of our jump, November 17, is also a significant day in my life. It was the day that I decided to move from the Midwest to Arizona, forever changing my life. Twenty-one years ago, I packed up my car and drove from Illinois to Arizona to start a new life. I didn’t have a job or any close friends or family in the desert, but I felt a push to do something new. The two-and-a-half day drive across the country in my cayenne red Cavalier did not seem like a long drive because I was filled with excitement at the possibilities of creating a new start. It has been another adventure I have never regretted. Over the last 21 years, I have been fortunate to connect with an amazing group of supportive friends, build a career and get involved in the community.

I can’t wait to plan the next big leap!

To Ghost or Not to Ghost?

Ghosting is not just for Halloween. It is happening everywhere, any time, especially when it comes to dating. Even though we now have even more ways to communicate, it is easier to get distracted and to distance ourselves from people. Rather than engage, we ignore and hope they go away.

From time-to-time I decide to step back into the dating world. I usually default to using an online site or dating app, since I don’t encounter too many men in my daily life. I sit at my desk most of the day and my after-work activities tend to revolve around more female-dominated or solo activities like yoga, volunteering or watching Dateline.

It takes a lot of vulnerability to put yourself out there on a dating app. You are posting your pictures out there for the world to see. You know people will make judgments about you and decide if you look and sound worthy to date them. If you make it through the person’s checklist or they make it through yours, communication begins. Where it stops, nobody knows. Sometimes the ghosting begins when I suggest we should meet. When they vanish at this point, it’s annoying, but there hasn’t been a lot of time or emotion invested, so it’s easy to quickly move on.

But, what about after you’ve actually met the person and have gone out on some dates? Is it okay to ghost?

I finally went on a second date. Yes, it finally happened after letting go of my focus on how horrible it was that I had not been on a second date in two years (see related post). I had a lot in common with the man and was really hoping I would feel chemistry. I wasn’t quite sure after the first date but felt cautiously optimistic. After the first date, he sent me a message saying how much he liked me and that he was going to take his profile off the app. Reading that message did put a little fear in me, and I allowed it to add a feeling of pressure.

On the second date, I realized there was not a romantic connection, and we weren’t on the same page on an important value. I know I have done it before, but I am not sure this Cheesehead could date a Bears fan again. (No, that wasn’t really the value I was talking about.)

When dinner was finishing up, he suggested we go to see some live music. I did not want to lead him on any further and didn’t feel like spending any additional time with him, so I said, “no” to his invitation. I thought he got the hint that I was not interested in him after I rejected the invitation and did not show any affection toward him when I was leaving the restaurant. I didn’t hear from him for a few days, which I thought was great. This meant I wouldn’t have to send the text to say we aren’t a match.

But, as it always seems to happen when you don’t like the guy, he popped back up and sent a text asking how my day was and talking about one of our mutual interests – running. I felt that the right thing to do was to send him a text to thank him for the nice dates and to share that I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection. I even threw in a nice compliment. Rather than ignoring the text or just sending a friendly best of luck message, he decided to attack my age.

He said, “It’s ok, I understand. I wasn’t feeling it either. I met someone 10 years younger and have a lot of passion with her. I think I need to keep my age range younger …” I was taken aback that he chose to insult my age, when I said nothing bad about him. Then again, maybe he was hurt about being rejected and felt the need to lash out. I was just trying to be honest. He did say things didn’t work out in his former marriage because she lied. He had placed a GPS on her car to track where she went after work when she said she was still at the office. Yes, I should have walked away after he told that story.

One of my friends said I shouldn’t have even sent the “no connection” message to him and just ghosted him. I think because I have been ghosted so many times, I don’t want to cause that pain to anyone else. One of my biggest frustrations is when a guy who has shown interest in me just disappears. My extra analytical mind goes crazy trying to figure out why.

A couple of years ago, a long-distance guy friend ghosted me. While I knew eventually one of us would meet someone else in our own city and that we did not have a commitment to each other, it still hurt to have him vanish in that way. I ended up finding out that it was because he met a girl. While it would have stung a little to hear that from him, I wished that he could have just been honest with me, rather than ignoring me. I would take sadness over anger or confusion.

When I am trying to decide if and how to respond to someone, I always think about how it feels when I am on the other side. I can’t figure out why more people do not think this way because we have all been on both sides of rejection. Then again, maybe some people prefer being ghosted over hearing the truth. Then they can make up their own reason why it ended.

My friends told me not to let the insults about my age bother me and to let it go. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I acted in a way that was honest and true to myself. I could feel proud about how I handled the situation. I cannot control how others choose to act.

That is not to say that I have never ghosted someone. There are times that I don’t feel there has been an emotional investment or that the person deserves a response. This is a place to be careful, as sometimes women tend to be too nice. If you did not initiate contact with someone or if they attempt to make your relationship something it is not, I don’t feel you need to respond.

One example is when a guy from a Meetup group, who you don’t even know or have never really interacted with in any way, sends you a message to ask you out. You have not indicated you are interested or said anything that would make him think you were into him, so I don’t think you owe him a response.

I would love to hear from you. What are your thoughts on ghosting? Have you been ghosted or have you ghosted someone?

Everything's Fine

Fine – it is the common response when someone asks you how you are. It’s not very descriptive and doesn’t open up a lot of conversation. It is also a response many people use to hide the fact that they are not really fine.

I recently read “Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine,” which made me think about the concept of “fine” more deeply. Without giving the story away, the concept is that the character Eleanor answers that she is fine when people show concern about what she has gone through in her past or when they try to get to know her better. She is busy trying to convince others that she is fine, while she has buried away her hurt and has not dealt with her feelings, leaving her closed off.

Do we say we are fine to make other people feel better or to fool ourselves into thinking that we are truly fine? It may make sense to tell the cashier at Trader Joe’s that you are fine, rather than going into the details of what is bothering you. Brené Brown would say that it is inappropriate to share your feelings with strangers or acquaintances who have not earned your vulnerability. Okay Brené, I will stick to sharing my happiness or disgust with the Packers game with my Trader Joe’s friends, as that is more appropriate for Sunday afternoon banter. Although, some tears may fall when I think about those four field goals that Mason Crosby missed.

As independent women, it is not always easy to ask for help or to admit when we need support. I know sometimes I fear I will be a burden or that people might avoid me if I am not fine. There is some worry of becoming the famous emotional vampire who exhausts everyone. But when we flip the script and think about how meaningful it is to help a friend when they are going through tough times, it helps us see that it is very likely that we are not a burden and that it could strengthen friendships by revealing our true feelings. We connect when we have shared experiences and can empathize with others.

My grandmother just passed away this week. I had convinced myself I was fine because she had been suffering for a few years, and I knew she was now at peace. She had lived a long, wonderful life with a large family who loved her so much. But then it hit me, in the middle of a spin class, of all places. The room was dark and the music was loud. It was the perfect place to lose it. No one could hear my sobbing or see my tears rolling down my face. And if they could, they would just think that the instructor had met his goal of making us all cry in pain.

I realized that sharing some of my memories with friends would help me work through the pain. It felt good to share some photos of my grandma and to tell stories about the time I spent with her. I think this also helped my friends get to know a little more about my family and how I grew up.

So, let’s not just say we are fine when we are not fine. Reach out to friends for support and do the things you need to do to take care of yourself, rather than ignoring and hiding your feelings. We can all heal and support each other together.

Painting Your Story With Numbers

Last weekend I turned 44. It wasn’t a significant birthday that ended in a zero, but there was something about the double 4’s that made me think about the significance we place on numbers.

Many times I have used numbers to make me feel bad about myself – 2, the number of years since I have had a second date; 148, the number on the scale; 9, the number of years since a man told me he loved me, and 0, the number of children I have.

Instead of using numbers in a negative way, I realized I could turn this around and find positive numbers.

• 3 – The number of times my niece sang Happy Birthday to me on Facetime last weekend.

• 13.1 – The number of miles I have run in a race four separate times and plan to run again in January.

• 2 – The number of teenagers I currently mentor.

• 9 – The number of countries I have visited.

• 26 – The number of years old I was when I bought my first house on my own.

• 1 – The number of months I took off of work and spent on my own.

• 7 – The number of ladies in my Lean In Circle who support each other’s dreams.

• 18 – The number of books I have read so far this year.

• 0 – The number of times I have been hospitalized.

• 4 – The number of times I have been able to or will fly home to see family this year.

• 56 – The number of dresses I have in my dress collection (minimalism had to skip this closet because it sparked joy).

• 99 – The highest number ever on my electric bill (even in the summer in Arizona).

• 1 – The number of people I am responsible for (myself).

What positive numbers could you put on your list? Please share in the comments if you feel comfortable.

When Your Lyft Driver Gives You an Assignment

When you order a Lyft, you see the little picture of your driver, their name and the car they drive. It is always a mystery as to what personality they will bring. I usually try to be polite and ask them how their day is going to keep up my 5.0 rating. Some will just say a few words and then focus on their driving. Some will act as if you were best friends from way back and engage in a lengthy conversation. Although, sometimes you have to be careful, as it seems they are more likely to miss exits or turns when they talk a lot.

Last week I took a Lyft to happy hour, and I got one of the chatty, inquisitive drivers. He was on a mission to discover why I was single. First, he tried to blame it on the fact I was a Packers fan. I told him that couldn’t be it, as the longest relationship I ever had was with a Bears fan.

Then he decided that I must be too picky. He asked me if a guy needed to make six figures for me to go out with him. I told him it is not about the money. Then, he offered to pull up next to a landscaper who was mowing the lawn so I could ask him out. I declined that unscheduled stop. I told him I didn’t think I was too picky and that many times in the past I was not picky enough.

We talked a little about online dating and how it hadn’t been very successful for me. I explained how there are so many men who post pictures of themselves scowling or with a straight face that looked like they were not very happy people. He explained that men were not good at taking selfies and also suggested that I check out Farmers Only.

As we got closer to my stop, my driver asked me if I knew how to wink. I responded, “Like a real wink, or a Match.com wink?” He said a real wink and explained that was how he met his wife; he winked at her in a bar. Then he asked me if I ever buy guys drinks. I said yes. He then clarified and asked, “Have you ever bought a drink for a guy you don’t know?” My memory gets a little fuzzier as I get older, but I could not think of a time I had done this.

As we pulled up to the brewery, my driver said, “I am giving you an assignment tonight. You have to buy a drink for a guy you don’t know.”

I could have easily just ignored his assignment, since there wouldn’t be a grade, and there was no way for him to check up on me, but I decided to take it on as a challenge. I looked around the bar and didn’t initially see anyone of interest.

Later on, I was sharing the story with a guy who was chatting with my friend. He said, “Well, you can’t buy me a drink, but you should buy one for the guy at the end of the bar.” The guy at the end of the bar was very good looking with his dark hair and just the right amount of facial hair, and he was sitting by himself. I really didn’t think he was into girls, but I thought I would just go with it. When the bartender brought him the beer, he looked a little confused. A few minutes later, his boyfriend showed up. I went over to say hi before I left, and it turns out his boyfriend worked there, so I guess he didn’t need a free drink.

Even though the assignment didn’t turn into a love connection for me, it was kind of fun to try something different and take a small risk. It reminded me of the time I was at the Olive Garden with my friends back in college. There were two cute guys sitting a few tables away; one looked exactly like Scott Reeves from the Young and the Restless. I wrote our number on a piece of paper and as we were leaving, I just tossed it on their table and ran.

By the time we got home, there was a message on our answering machine from one of the men. He must have called us right away from the pay phone at the restaurant (this was long before people had cell phones). I ended up going out with him once. It wasn’t a match, but it was still good to step out of my comfort zone and take a chance.

It is important to try new things to get momentum going in a new direction and move out of the comfort zone. What risk or new idea have you tried or could you try?

I think I will re-do my assignment another night.

Sometimes You Need a Summer Break

This summer I felt like I was spinning my wheels, stuck in a thick mud that wouldn’t let me loose. Every direction I turned, I became stuck again. I tried to step on the gas, but it only made me sink further. It was time to admit that I needed to get out of my vehicle of self-imposed pressure to jump lightly to freedom. I needed a break.

When things that used to bring joy bring stress, it is time to take a step back. No, I did not quit the blog; I just walked away from my keyboard to let new inspiration flow through me, throwing deadlines and expectations to the wind. Some of you checked in with me, and I could see some people were looking at my page for new posts. Thank you for your concern and encouragement.

I spent a lot of time with family this summer. I was able to visit all of my immediate family members and spend some quality time with them. Feeling the love from my nieces and nephews is always good medicine for my soul. Seeing their excitement when I arrive and the smiles on their faces when we play makes me feel like I have purpose in the world.

One of my favorite activities with my family was a group bicycle ride on the trails by the river in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. My oldest niece has always loved biking and is now a bike mechanic, proudly displaying a Shimano certificate on her wall. She was talking about her day at the shop with me and my sister the day before our ride. While our eyes glazed over a little when she talked about bottom brackets and derailleurs (yes, I had to look up how to spell that term), I was admiring the pride she has in her job and her passion for bicycles.

When we went for the bike ride, everyone enjoyed the beautiful views of the river, pushing themselves a little to take on some challenges like facing the fear of bridges and ignoring the uncomfortable bike seats. For me, I know biking always makes me feel like a kid again. Going down a hill on a bike is one of the best feelings, allowing the momentum to carry you to where you need to go. There is no need to pedal; you get to just coast to your destination. Maybe that was what I needed – a little momentum to carry me forward. Thinking back to how my life had been going earlier this summer, I think I had been pedaling uphill for too long. It was time for a little more coasting and flying down some fun hills.

I also took a trip to San Diego. I hadn’t been to the beach in a couple of years and was craving the relaxation of the waves and the feeling of bare feet on the soft sand. I had some thoughts about getting caught up on my writing on the trip, but when I got there, I realized I really needed to unplug from any expectations. I decided to read some books that had no purpose, except to entertain. I was able to immerse myself in the characters’ lives, while escaping my own. I didn’t spend any of the trip feeling sorry for myself because I did not have a boyfriend with me on the trip. I treated myself to some delicious meals at a table for one and watched the sunset on my own in silence in a way that felt like meditation.

These trips were just what I needed to reconnect with myself and to feel a passion for writing again. I returned from these trips feeling more relaxed and ready to be the Heidi I love again.

Talking to Kids About Finding Love

“Where’s your marry ring?” my 5-year-old niece asked, out of the blue. With a confused face, I asked her, “What is a marry ring?” She pointed to my finger and said, “You know, that ring you get when you get married.” I wasn’t sure how to answer the question and blurted out, “It must still be at the store.”

I forgot about how curious little kids are about your boyfriends, when you are going to get married and have children. Those things were so far from my mind on my recent visit to see my family. I thought she just knew me as Aunt Heidi, that nice lady who comes to visit her a few times a year by herself.

My niece is surrounded by families most of the time, so I am sure she can’t quite figure out how I fit into the puzzle of life. Hmm … Heidi’s not a kid, but she doesn’t have a husband or any children. I don’t think my niece sees many adults who are alone.

I have pondered the best way to react in these situations. Children learn so much from what they see and hear. Part of me wants to show my nieces that you can be a strong woman on your own and that you don’t need a man. I would never want them to feel that they need to depend on a man to survive and to put up with less than they deserve just because they don’t want to be alone.

Then there is another part of me that wants to be honest and say, yes, sometimes it hurts a lot that I haven’t found the love of my life. I imagine they will go through ups and downs in life and need to know that it is normal to feel sad sometimes and to want to have a partner in life.

When my niece FaceTimes me, she sometimes asks if anyone else is in my house. Well, maybe she is just sick of seeing my face on the screen and wants to see someone new. When I tell her it is just me, she asks, “Don’t you get lonely?” Yes, Brynnyn, sometimes I do get lonely. And other times I love the quiet house where I can sleep in without being disturbed, cook whatever I want to eat and choose my shows on Netflix.

My two older nieces have moved on to problem-solving mode. The 11-year-old found a game that matches names to find the first name of your best chance at love. When she tried it a few years ago, it said that someone named Tom would be a good match for me. I still haven’t met Tom. She wants to try it again to see if she can find some new names for me. She also played a MASH fortune-telling game with me that revealed Aaron Rodgers as my future husband. It is fun to daydream.

My 17-year-old niece came out to visit me this winter and also made an attempt to physically find potential future boyfriends for me everywhere we went. “What about him?” Sometimes she asked a bit too loudly, so I had to hide with a small case of embarrassment.

It is really sweet that they want the best for me and would be excited for me to fall in love. I also think they enjoy the freedom I have now to visit and spend time with them that I may not have had if I had gone the traditional path of getting married and having kids.

While it isn’t always easy to know what to say to them and how to show up emotionally when discussing finding love, I think a mix of vulnerability, hope, strength and some humor are good choices. As they get older, finding love may come easy to them, or they might struggle like me. Either way, it is important that they know everyone’s path is different and that there is nothing wrong with them.

How do you answer questions about relationships from the kids in your life?

Not Becoming a Mom: Was it a Choice?

The holiday created to honor mothers can bring up a lot of angst for women who wanted to be moms and it has not happened for them. It can become an awkward day if you are out and about and people say “Happy Mother’s Day” to you, assuming you are a mom because you are a woman of a certain age.

When you are a 43-year-old single woman with no children, some people assume you didn’t want to have kids. Many people think that because there are so many options to become a mom, I must not have really wanted to become a mother.

In my early teen years, I used to draw pictures of my future house and cut out pictures from Better Homes & Gardens magazine of my ideal kitchen and the beautiful yard I would have. This was before vision boards were a thing. I dreamed of having five kids running around in that giant house.

When I was in my 20s, I developed a timeline of how long I would date someone, when we would get married, how many years later we would have kids and how we would space them apart. At that point, two children sounded more realistic.

In my early 30s I finally met the man I thought I would marry, and we both talked about having a family. We never even made it to the engagement, so that dream died when I was 35. I thought I still had time to find the real man I was supposed to marry, but I didn’t realize how quickly the next five years would fly by. It was fast, and I wasted time with men who did not have the potential to be life partners.

When I was nearing 40, I considered alternatives. I looked at websites for sperm banks. I ruled that out because I don’t have any family out here, and the thought of raising a child completely on my own did not seem realistic for me. I considered having a baby with someone I wouldn’t marry and share custody, but I realized quickly that my options were pretty limited there, as well. I could become a foster mom or adopt, but that brought me back to realizing I do not have family support. I applaud all of you single moms who are able to do it. I just didn’t think it was something I could handle both from a family support and financial perspective.

When I hear married people talking about whether or not they want to have children, I get a little jealous, as I felt like I never really had that choice. I see men my age on dating sites saying they want to start a family, and it makes me envious because they do not have a ticking clock. Then I yell at my phone, “Where were you five years ago?”

Going back to people’s thoughts about me not really wanting to be a mother, I guess there is some truth to that. If being a mother was what I wanted most in my life, I could have made other decisions and made that the number one priority in my life. Looking back, I may wish that things would have fallen into place the way I had always imagined. I would have been a wife and mother. Instead, I have been able to explore other roles more deeply, like aunt, mentor and friend.

I have been able to experience unconditional love through these roles, and it has given my life purpose. Seeing my niece get excited when I call her on Facetime and hearing my mentee share how I have had an impact on her life fills my heart with joy.

This Mother’s Day, I am sending out some extra love to those who wanted to be a mom and it didn’t happen for you. My wish for you is that you are able to have some amazing relationships with children, whether they are nieces and nephews, your friends’ children, or through volunteering in your community.

Feel Pretty by Living With More Kindness and Confidence

“I feel pretty.” After thinking about these words and watching the Amy Schumer movie of the same name, I realized that kind words like these do not go through my mind enough. Some more common words I hear from myself are, “Don’t be lazy, go to the gym.” “Quit eating that crap.” “I look fat in this dress.” I don’t talk to anyone this way, so why is it okay to say it to myself?

Shaming ourselves for our bodies, eating habits or skipping workouts has been a common behavior for women for many years. It is rare that you hear someone say, “I deserved that treat” or “I enjoyed that meal” after eating something that is known to have a week’s worth of calories. Instead we say how terrible we feel and how we better go to the gym to work it off.

I have started to be more mindful of what I say out loud about myself, my body and food when I am around my nieces and my mentees, as I know I am setting an example. I would never want them to shame themselves. But, I could do a better job of talking kindly to myself when I am the only person around and around friends.

I have days when this seems impossible. I put on a pair of pants and they feel tight, and they used to be loose fitting. Some guy in his 20s walks up to me and asks me if I am his friend’s mom. I know that mathematically it is possible, but it seems so wrong and all I can say is, “I’m not a mom.” I mention to a guy friend that I stepped on the scale and was mortified by the number on it. Instead of taking that as code to tell me I look great, he talks about weight loss strategies. In these moments, it can be more challenging to feel good about ourselves, but our looks are only one part of who we are. I mean, when I was a twig, no one wanted to date me either, so I really don’t think that is the solution.

Confidence can also tend to get drained when we haven’t had success in dating. We might start approaching dates more nervously, and we may not say what we really think and instead say what we think they want to hear. We can end up seeking approval, rather than showing our date who we really are. Then we aren’t even sure if they like us, since they don’t even know us. Accepting all parts of ourselves and walking around with confidence is more likely to draw the right people into our circle.

(Not a Real Spoiler) In the movie, Amy’s character (Renee) is bold and gives out her phone number to a guy named Ethan in a laundromat. Ethan ends up falling for Renee and admires how she owns all parts of her personality and her body. I believe this also gives him more courage to share the parts of himself that he used to feel embarrassed about, like being a regular at Zumba. When Renee’s friends embraced their confidence, they seemed to hit it off with guys by sharing more about their real interests (even knitting).

At the end of the movie, I was thinking about how great it would be to meet a guy like Ethan, who would love me for who I am. It is time for me to walk around and radiate that “knowing” that I am amazing, and if a lot of men aren’t open to that, then they are not for me. I am not going to let it get me down or cause me to be someone I am not.

The movie didn’t get the greatest reviews, but I walked out of the theatre feeling better about my future. The movie may not have been perfect, but it had confidence. Maybe we could all use a little more of that.

Affirmation for the Week: I am amazing.

Activity for the Week: Find an activity/event you can participate in this week where you can show up with confidence. Think about how that would look. Maybe it is not making any excuses for how you look or talking badly about what you eat. Maybe it is paying yourself a compliment before you go like, “Damn girl, you look great!” Report back. I would love to hear how this goes for you.