Dear Heidi From 2010

Dear Heidi From 2010,

I saw your post in my Facebook memories this morning, and I feel you girl, and I know what is coming next. Your post said, “This has been the best January ever. Will February be just as fab?” Actually, there were two spaces after the period, but girl, we don’t do that anymore. You are not in Mrs. Brayton’s typing class.

In January of 2010, you started dating a guy you were super excited about. This was the first time you dated anyone after your two-year relationship ended with the man you thought you were going to marry. It was easy to see why you were excited. This man was attractive, kind, raved about your cooking and seemed really into you. Who wouldn’t be feeling joy?

Heidi from 2010, I am not sure if I should tell you what will happen in February of 2010 or just let you enjoy your happiness for now. You’re a strong girl, so let’s go with the truth.

From what I remember, things were still good leading up to Valentine’s Day. But no, you would not have a Valentine in 2010 (or 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, okay you get the point). He will disappear. You will feel disappointment, anger and confusion. It won’t be the first time. Questions like, “What did I do wrong?” and “What is wrong with me?” will fill your head.

First, don’t put all the responsibility on yourself. Just because he is the person who left the situation does not mean there is anything wrong with you or that you did something wrong. Sometimes people get scared when they are with someone who treats them well. They don’t think they deserve it. They move into fear, and you seem to attract the type who prefer to react through flight. Let them fly away.

I am sorry to tell you that this will not be the last time you experience this disappointment. Over the next 12 years, you will get excited about men you date. And yes, many times it will come crashing down when you least expect it. It just happened again last week. And yes, it hurts. You won’t be able to escape that feeling.

Heidi from 2010, what I can tell you is that you will survive the rejection. Some days you won’t be sure that you can get back up. You will feel like you got punched in the gut, fallen to the floor and that you might want to stay there. You will question whether it is worth continuing to put yourself out there in the dating world. I am not sure what 2023 Heidi will do, but I do know that 2022 Heidi is going to keep getting up.

I am reading Brené Brown’s new book “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience” with my book club. The section on disappointment was one that caught my attention the most so far. Brown says, “There are too many people in the world today who decide to live disappointed rather than risk feeling disappointment.” While dating may continue to result in painful emotional experiences, I think it is worth the risk.

Heidi from 2010, February will still be fab. You will accomplish so many other things. On Valentine’s Day 2010, you will run your first half marathon. You didn’t need a boyfriend waiting for you at the end because you were there for yourself throughout the race. You dipped into your internal strength to push yourself over that hilly overpass at Maryland Ave. Volunteers will hand you Gatorade and water and strangers will cheer you on from the roadside. Accept and ask for help from others when you need it. That is one thing I have learned over the last 12 years. While you may feel alone in your struggle at times, when you share it with others, you will be surprised at how they respond to your vulnerability. They will want to surround you with love.

Love,

Heidi From 2022

P.S. To My Readers: I will leave you with one more quote from Brown’s book, “When someone shares their hopes and dreams with us, we are witnessing deep courage and vulnerability. Celebrating their success is easy, but when disappointment happens, it’s an incredible opportunity for meaningful connection.” Let’s all be there for each other through all of it.

What Are You Learning?

(If you prefer to listen to the podcast version of this post, go to: https://single-soul-circle.simplecast.com/episodes/what-are-you-learning, and be sure to subscribe to receive notifications when new episodes are available.)

It’s been a long time since I have been in school, but I still feel that back to school vibe when fall arrives. I start to think about what I want to learn or accomplish next.

This year, I was caught off guard by what I learned and how I felt about it.

I traveled to Wisconsin for my parents’ 50th anniversary the first week of September and stayed at my sister’s house for a week. I wasn’t sure what we would do during that week, other than buying wine and cheese curds for the party and enjoying the beautiful fall weather.

I wonder if my sister already had a master plan or if it all just unfolded.

I come from a family of crafters. My mom grew up sewing her own prom dresses and moved on to sewing us Barbie doll outfits and making dollhouses out of old TV cases when we were kids. She also sewed most of our clothes, and her famous line was always, “I could make something like that,” every time we saw a shirt we liked in a store. When the granddaughters arrived, she was studying American Girl outfit collections and creating her own version.

When I was young, my mom tried to introduce me to sewing. I recall making a pair of shorts to earn a Girl Scouts Badge, but I found it tedious and frustrating and didn’t touch the sewing machine again.

My sister, on the other hand, loved sewing. I remember being jealous that she could even sew more complicated things like blazers for work. She was always the artsy one, painting pictures that still hang on my parents’ walls, making quilts and completing cross-stitches.

Her latest crafting addiction is the Cricut. If you don’t know what that is, it is basically a printer that can print out designs on vinyl or other materials to create things from t-shirt iron-ons, stickers that go on candles or mugs or you can create cute cut-out cards. I am sure there are a lot of other things you can do with it, but those are just a few that I know my sister is obsessed with. She also got my mom hooked on it, and we bought her a Cricut for Mother’s Day.

I guess she decided it was time to lure me into her world since she had me as a captive audience for a week. She said we could make some cute t-shirts for my nieces and put my Single Soul Circle logo on a shirt to wear to an upcoming podcast conference. I decided that sounded like a good outcome, so I jumped in. At first, I looked at these tiny pieces of vinyl that I was supposed to pull out with what looked like a plaque scraper from the dentist’s office. I wasn’t sure I would have the patience for this. Well, when I finished my first one and saw the cute puppy shirt I made for my niece, I got hooked.

My mom decided it would also be a great idea to make PJ pants or shorts to match the shirts, so a trip to JoAnn Fabrics was next for us. We started walking through the flannel aisle and they had so many bright, beautiful fabric patterns from animals to tropical prints. I started pulling them off the shelf and throwing them in our little red cart. The moment I was fully in on this PJ pants and shorts project was when I saw fabric that was the perfect pattern for a friend who is fighting leukemia. I have been wondering what I could give her that would be meaningful, and I knew this was it. I don’t think I have ever seen my sister’s eyes so wide in shock when she saw that one, I was buying fabric and two, I was actually buying more than they were.

Then the real learning began. It was time to sew. My sister was a great guide. She told me what to do for each step and the common ways that I could mess it up. I sat down in front of the sewing machine with the material under the needle, then remembered to put the foot down, and it was time to press the gas pedal. When I did this, it did bring back memories of attempting to learn to sew as a teenager and felt somewhat familiar. As I pushed the flannel through to be stitched, it felt so nice and soft on my hands. It was a soothing feeling. I was enjoying it.

For the last pair of pants I made, I told my sister I wanted to just follow the directions on the pattern and just double-check with her that I understood each step correctly before doing it, rather than her telling me what to do. I did okay, until I asked her where I was supposed to put the elastic band, and she said I sewed over the hole. Oops. Well, turns out it wasn’t too hard to take the stitches out, so I hadn’t ruined the pants after all. Seeing the finished product was a lot of fun, and I am very excited to give my friend the pants and shorts I made for her. I hope it puts a smile on her face, as it did for me.

So, what did I learn from this crafting time with my sister? I learned that it can be fun to revisit an activity from childhood and see it with new eyes. I learned that doing things for friends can motivate me to learn something new. I also learned that I have told myself I can’t do a lot of things in life – for example, I don’t have the patience to sew, or I don’t have the spatial awareness to understand how the pieces line up. What I found is that with some focus and motivation, I could overcome those obstacles and create things that make me proud and make me feel good.

What could you go back to from your childhood to learn and see with new eyes?

Do You Have the Twisties?

Note: This post was written prior to Biles returning to the games. Also, if you would prefer the audio version, check out the podcast episode and subscribe on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcasts.

We all stood in awe as Simone Biles withdrew from Team U.S.A. in Tokyo. While some thought she should toughen up and stay in it for the team, most of us applauded the strength it took for her to stand up for her mental and physical health.

Many of us heard the term the “twisties” for the first time, as the media attempted to explain what was happening to Simone. Gymnasts use this term to describe a mental block that causes them to lose spatial awareness and lose control of their body.

While I am not a gymnast and probably couldn’t even do a cartwheel if I tried, I could see how the twisties have played a part in my life lately, and maybe you do, as well.

Especially in the last year, I have felt like I was walking on a balance beam, just trying to focus on making it across, afraid to fall off.

I have felt that I needed to prove my worth, so I have taken on a lot of projects I should not have and have rushed in to help others, which caused me to feel resentment and did not allow the person the opportunity to handle the situation and learn in the process. Did this make me feel more worthy? No, it only burned me out and gave me the twisties. I got so far in, that I couldn’t find my way back to myself.

I had to find the strength to finally speak up and to trust that by speaking out, it wasn’t a reflection of my worth. People deserve to hear the truth and we must take care of our mental and physical health. If we don’t, we are normalizing this behavior and are not setting good examples for those who may look to us for direction.

As single women, I think we faced many challenges over the past year. Some of us weren’t able to see friends and family for a long time, we were working remotely, and we lived alone, which led to a lot of loneliness and feelings of isolation. Things like group fitness classes at the gym, happy hour with friends and travel were our lifelines in the past that we could not access last year.

Now the challenges include trying to remember how to date, rebuilding friendships, finding new friends and balancing workloads. Worries of possible new lockdowns or restrictions, scarcity of things like rental cars and increasing housing costs aren’t helping either. It can sometimes feel like a lot to handle on our own.

I have always put pressure on myself to have everything together, to be independent and not ask for help. It is time to follow Simone’s lead and to be honest with others. No, I cannot land some of those vaults that I used to. I may need some friends to step in to assist or just take a break to restore and return in a way that is healthier.

Recently, I was sharing with a friend that the only breaks I have taken in the last two years was to visit family. She encouraged me to schedule a little vacation. I decided to book four days away, and it felt great to make a decision that would give me a break and allow time for rest and relaxation.

I also took the time to talk with my boss about how to refocus my work. I made a list of what I would be saying yes to and what items would be a no. At first, I was scared to have the conversation, but I know I would want my employees to come to me if they were feeling overwhelmed. Making this list has helped create a clearer picture of what will help me contribute in a more meaningful way, while not burning out.

I think we can also reprioritize our personal lives. Each day, me and a friend choose three things we are saying yes to for our health and text each other with the list to hold each other accountable. My list has ranged from a specific workout at the gym to taking three dance breaks throughout the work day. Hey, with remote working, you can dance like no one is watching. Our lists included things that might be more common health items people think of to things that are good for our mental health or items that are specific to our own challenges or needs.

If you think you want to try this, but are struggling with ideas of things you could commit to, here are some ideas of things I have put on my list from time-to-time or items I plan to add in the future:

• Meditation

• Water as my only beverage throughout the day (yes, I mean no coffee or wine)

• Stretch breaks

• Stand during Zoom calls

• Writing morning pages (20 minutes to just write what comes to your mind – it helps your creativity)

• Going to sleep at a specific time

• Cooking or eating a healthy meal

• Schedule time with friends

• Call a niece

• Read a chapter from a book you love

• Watch a funny YouTube video

• Take a walk

• Breathing exercises

• Hold a plank

• Write in a gratitude journal

And, some days we just say we need a break and want to just go with the flow during the day. Breaks are important, as well.

Let’s give ourselves permission to say yes to the things that bring us mental and emotional health and no to the things that take us away from it. Thank you to Simone for reminding us that there is power in speaking up for ourselves and taking ownership of our own health.

Grace is Home

Like many people, I skipped my annual physical last year to avoid putting myself at risk by visiting any medical offices. After being fully vaccinated, I figured I should not put it off any longer. Usually, I am most fearful of the blood tests and just pass out thinking about the needle. This time, I did not want to step on the scale. I already knew the numbers would not be what I wanted to see, but I also feared the judgment and advice that would likely follow from my doctor. What I found instead was compassion and empathy.

My doctor is the type that takes time to get to know you and really listens. She could sense my anxiety about my weight when I talked about it and even offered the opportunity to skip stepping on the scale if I wanted. I decided to face my fear and jump on it anyway (after taking off my shoes, of course). After awkwardly saying the number out loud, I decided to try to beat her to it and ask her what eating plan she suggested to fix this situation.

She could tell that this question was coming from a place where I was beating up on myself and was not something I was ready to commit to based on a lot of the other things going on in my life that have left me in a tough place emotionally.

She left me with some beautiful words of advice, “Give yourself some grace.” I let that settle into my soul the rest of the day and decided I need to stop fighting for everything to be perfect.

I woke up the next morning and looked through my Facebook memories and saw a picture of a beautiful church I visited with a friend in San Francisco five years ago. The bright banners hanging from the outside of the cathedral at the top Nob Hill said, “Grace is Home.” It looks like this word, grace, is going to follow me around to remind me.

I also took a moment to reflect on that visit to the cathedral. I am usually a bit reluctant to enter churches. When I was in college, I gave up being Catholic for Lent and never picked it back up. We chose the perfect time to visit Grace Cathedral, as we were able to sit up by the choir and take in their beautiful voices. It felt comforting to settle in and listen to this powerful gift the singers were sharing with us.

The church also had a labyrinth in the entry way, which offered a moment of peaceful reflection. Anytime I see a labyrinth, I am drawn to walk it, and it seems that I find them when I really need them. The labyrinth signifies a journey to our center and back out into the world. I feel it is a reminder to take the time to touch base with myself and to see what I need to do to care for myself, so that I can re-emerge to connect with the world when I am ready. I do not need to rush.

As we get back out into the world in whatever way makes us feel safe after the pandemic, do not be too hard on yourself if you do not feel like the same person. Do not place unrealistic expectations on yourself in order to feel worthy. You just went through some very tough times, and you deserve the time, space and compassion to move into this next phase.

And do not play the comparison game. Maybe you did not have any family or friends who got sick and did not have any financial hardships during this time. It does not mean you did not have your own challenges and difficulties. I believe we all had many parts of our lives turned upside down in the last year and may not have had the support systems we were used to because most people were emotionally exhausted.

One thing we could all do for ourselves is to take my doctor’s advice and give ourselves more grace.

All I Need is Just a Little Patience

I recently had a session with my life coach, and we discussed how I would like to develop future relationships. He asked me to identify three words that were important to me in a relationship. The catch was that I was not allowed to search my mind for the words; they had to come from my heart. Since I am listening to my brain most of the time, my heart would have some surprises for me. The word “patience” leaped from the warmth in my chest and commanded attention. In exploring it further, I found that patience is something that I need to give myself and others and what I need from people in my life.

Patience for Myself
I realized I have been particularly hard on myself lately. It is a new year, and I was feeling a bit of pressure to set some resolutions or goals. After a tough 2020, I think we all want to have a magical 2021.

But maybe everything does not have to happen right away. Instead of continuing to step on the scale every morning and being unhappy with those devilish red numbers staring up at me, I decided to shame the scale instead of myself and put it away for a while. I trust myself to get back to working out on a more regular basis and cooking healthy meals on my own timetable without those angry numbers telling me what to do.

I was also getting down on myself for not shipping more podcasts and blog posts. “Just sit down and write!” I now realize how mean that sounds, and no wonder I found myself with writer’s block and kept avoiding sitting down with a laptop and my thoughts.

I found that another thing that was blocking me from writing is that I did not feel like I had anything to write about, since all I have been doing is sitting around binge-watching Cobra Kai 3 and Bridgerton. I considered how patience would play a role in my writing. Since writing is something that would make me feel more like myself, I still felt it was important to do, but I did not want the pressure of writing a blog post to share with the world. It felt stressful and impossible, because I thought I needed to write something that would be insightful to share with others.

So, I found a place in the middle that would allow me to express myself, without the pressure of publishing. I signed up for an online writing program called Daily OM: A Year of Writing to Uncover the Authentic Self. Despite the title, I decided to just focus on the writing exercises, rather than the goal of uncovering my authentic self, as that sounds intimidating. Each week they would post new writing prompts. This solved the “What do I write about?” angst and gave me a place where I could feel free to let the words flow for myself and not have to share them with the world. I now feel a connection to writing again.

Patience for Others
You have all probably heard the saying, “We are all in the same storm but in different boats.” The cyclone of 2020 has hurt all of us in a multitude of ways with surges sometimes coming at different times. It has left us unable to cope with life physically or emotionally at times. It is important for me to remember to have patience with others who may have challenges they do not feel comfortable sharing.

In addition to the masks we are wearing to prevent COVID, our culture pressures us to wear the mask that shows “We got this,” even when we are ready to crumble any minute. It is important to remember that everyone is dealing with something right now and their behavior toward us is probably not personal. If someone does not text me back, answer my email or forgets my birthday, I will tap into my patience to remember that people are doing the best they can right now. They may be just trying to keep their head above water and might need a break and possibly a hand.

While I am thinking about this in terms of my friends and family, I think this can also be applied with strangers. Rather than turning to road rage or anger when you see someone make a mistake while driving, consider all the things they may have on their mind, or maybe they are hurrying to the hospital with a loved one. And of course, we can recall all the driving mistakes we have made when we had an off day and extend that patience and compassion to others.

Receiving Patience
When I look at what I have been missing in past friendships and relationships, I also see patience. While I wish I were the perfect friend or girlfriend, I know I make mistakes and am still on a learning journey that will probably never end. In the past, I have felt that if I made a mistake and hurt someone, they were quick to dismiss me without a second chance. Based on some of those experiences, I learned to walk on eggshells, until I could not stand how it felt beneath my feet.

My authentic self is flawed and inexperienced. I need someone who is willing to learn and grow with me. I also ask that they understand that sometimes I must make decisions that are in my best interest, even if they do not agree with it. Their patience with me will help build trust in the relationship.      

Practicing Patience
Patience does not come naturally to me, so I will need some practice. One way is to stop and take a breath before reacting when someone upsets me. After that, I can consider what the person may be going through that may have made them make a certain choice. It is important to remember that we are all doing the best we can in crazy times. Let’s give each other a break and a breath.

And when we find we are being hard on ourselves, let’s also take a breath and give ourselves a break.

Now my brain even agrees that patience is the answer.

Accepting a Thanksgiving Without Family

Is anyone else going through the grief process this Thanksgiving? Maybe you aren't able to see your family or friends or participate in some of your regular Thanksgiving traditions this year. My brother and his family had to cancel their trip to visit me, so I am definitely feeling some sadness. I was looking forward to hugs from my nieces the most.

Once I moved to the acceptance stage of grief, I have decided to break with some traditions. I planned a surf n turf dinner for Thanksgiving instead of turkey. I don’t really like turkey that much anyway, and I don’t want to eat leftovers for a week. The morning of Thanksgiving, I will head out to the park for a socially distanced fitness class that my friend is teaching. That will be a fun way to experience community and burn some calories in a safe way.

While it may not be the day or week I envisioned for the last few months, I know I am very fortunate to have a job and that my family is healthy. There is so much to be thankful for this year, and I am going to focus on that on Thursday.

I am sure some loneliness will set in at some point during the weekend. One of the things that has helped me cure the loneliness is Friday night Zoom happy hours with the Single Soul Circle. I look forward to connecting with the ladies every week, and it is a great start to the weekend. If you would like to connect with this wonderful group, please send me an email at singlesoulcircle@gmail.com, and I will send you the Zoom link. Or, you can join our Facebook group to see the invite and to connect with others.

Always remember that you are not alone. Happy Thanksgiving!

Learning From My Podcast Guests & Taking Action

One of the things I really love about podcasting is how much I learn from my guests. Their backgrounds, expertise and advice have opened my eyes over the past year, and I look forward to continuing to learn and share these guests with you.

A piece of my new vision board

Episode 13: Journey Into Yourself With Art

In Journey Into Yourself With Art, Tiesha Harrison shared some of the ways she was using art during these difficult times and gave advice on how we can take this time to explore ourselves more through art and creativity. Based on our conversation, I decided to take action on a couple of the items we discussed.

1. I took on Tiesha’s I Love Your Smile Challenge and posted a photo on social media of myself smiling with a book I was reading. I read a lot of books, but they are usually self-help or business books, and I finally gave myself a break to read just for fun. I ordered myself a care package from Changing Hands Bookstore and told them to surprise me with a book they thought I would like. I enjoyed reading The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley, and from there, I have been picking out some more books for the joy of story. I also gifted some of these care packages to my family, who enjoyed this fun treat. You can order them online to be shipped as a gift to someone or yourself and support a local business. This made me smile!

2. I also created a new vision board that would help me through the unexpected challenges of 2020. In the past, my vision board would have probably included pictures of travel destinations, my dream boyfriend, an engagement ring or other similar items. With the restrictions currently in place, a vision board like that did not seem realistic and maybe depressing. I decided to focus the board on who I wanted to be and created visions that aligned with personal growth, who I want to be and some actions I could take to bring more joy through these times. I highly recommend making one, as it shows you how much is possible.

Episode 14: Protect Yourself From a Narcissistic Relationship

In Protect Yourself From a Narcissistic Relationship, Laurel Lee Cozzuli shared some vivid examples of narcissism and how you can protect yourself from this abusive behavior. I did not know a lot about narcissism before our conversation, and I walked away with some great tools to watch for red flags to protect myself.

Laurel shared how narcissists find your emotional wounds and prey on them. At first, they will make you believe they are filling that wound or unmet need. Then, when you are hooked, they will hurt you by attacking that wound even further.

I saw an example of this while I was watching Married at First Sight. One of the brides had an emotional wound around abandonment because her mother moved away when she was young. She told her new husband (who she just met) about this deep emotional wound. At first, he was very attentive and always there. After he knew she was infatuated with him, he started to stay out all night with his friends and not return home to their apartment until the morning. When she questioned him about it, he made her feel like she was crazy, and she kept thinking she was doing something wrong that made him not want to come home. I think I found myself screaming at the screen “It’s not you, he’s a narcissist.”

This made me think about my own approach to relationships. I realized that the gift of this physical distancing time is for me to work on my own emotional wounds and to do some healing work. It helped me realize how this will allow for a real connection when I return to the dating world.

Thank you to Tiesha and Laurel Lee for sharing your wisdom with the world. I encourage you to listen to these episodes and check out their resources and social media pages in the links in the episode notes, as these two ladies have a lot of inspirational projects.

If you have any ideas for future topics or guests for the podcast, please let me know.

Stories From Women Who Walk

Diane Wyzga on her solo pilgrimage of the Camino de Santiago Trail.

Walking is one of the things that has brought many people comfort and escape as we deal with various levels of social distancing. I know it has for me. Each step takes a little more of the anxiety away, and everything I see on my journey opens me up to new thoughts and a calm focus.

Recently, I had the opportunity to interview Diane Wyzga, who is the host of the podcast Stories From Women Who Walk. It was fun hearing more about Diane’s solo pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago Trail and her advice on what we can learn from walking and how we can share our stories from walking.

I encourage you to listen to the podcast episode and to check out Diane’s podcast. Share more about your walking journeys in the comments below or on our Facebook Group.

Join Us for Virtual Happy Hour and Connection

The world can seem very scary right now with so many unknowns. Many of us are either asked or encouraged to stay away from people outside of our homes right now. For those of us who are single without roommates, it can feel especially lonely.

I was thinking of ways I could help others connect and not feel as isolated, and I came up with an idea to create a Facebook group and start virtual happy hours.

When I think of Fridays, I think about happy hour. It is a chance to catch up with friends, be around people, and enjoy food and drink. Since we are not allowed to go to bars and restaurants, I decided to create virtual happy hour and hosted the first event last Friday. Thank you to the wonderful ladies who joined in and brought your amazing energy.

You may be wondering how a virtual happy hour works. I set up a Zoom video call where we can all join, whether you are on a laptop, iPad or phone (works best on a laptop so you can see everyone without scrolling). You are encouraged to come as you are, and your furry kids are welcome to say hello, as well. I know the camera may seem intimidating at first, but you will get used to it, and it is fun to see people after a long week without interacting with humans. Everyone has a drink available to cheers throughout the call, whether it is wine, beer, water or soda, all are welcome. It is an opportunity to meet new people, share how you are feeling, discuss ideas to get through the difficult times and encourage others.

The Facebook group is another great place to connect. We are all encouraged to post things that bring us joy and hope, recommendations on things to do during these times – books to read, shows to binge, projects to tackle, etc. I encourage you to join the group and jump in on the discussions or start one.

To join the group, go to: https://www.facebook.com/groups/singlesoulcircle/

We will be holding a virtual happy hour every Friday at 5 p.m. Arizona time (5 p.m. PT, 6 p.m. MT, 7 p.m. CT, 8 p.m. ET) and sharing the link in the Facebook group. We may also add some other events as the group grows. Please invite any of your other single female friends to join the Facebook group, as well.

If you have any questions, please reach out to me at singlesoulcircle@gmail.com. I look forward to seeing you on a virtual happy hour Zoom call and/or posting in the group. If you aren’t on Facebook and want to participate in happy hour, please send me an email, and I will send you the Zoom link to join the call. We may have some co-ed events in the future, so stay tuned for my male readers.

Let me know how else we can support you or the single community during these challenging times. Let’s be there for each other in the circle!

Fear of Isolation and Loneliness With the Coronavirus Outbreak

Even if you are not one who watches the news, you really can’t avoid the conversations about the coronavirus. While there are varying reactions to the virus from those who see it as a great opportunity for travel deals on cruises to others who are emptying the shelves of toilet paper, I am contemplating how I feel about it and seem to be more concerned about the emotional impact and loneliness it could cause for many, especially singles.

Cancellations and Quarantines

My first thought is that I dread the cancellation of gatherings and potential isolation. I spent much of the winter already in quarantine, as I battled pretty much every virus that was out there. The toughest part during that time was not seeing my friends or taking part in my normal activities. The thought of going through that again is causing me some anxiety and makes me wonder about the additional health effects loneliness will have on people.

After getting over the illnesses and feeling the warmth of spring, I want to get out and be with people, whether it is going to a spring training game, a food festival or hanging out at a nice patio bar. Yes, I am an introvert who just said she wants to be around people. Right now, I am focused on partaking in all of these activities before the danger is reported to be high in my area. On Sunday, I went to a spring training game and found myself taking risks like eating with my hands (using a knife and fork to eat a hot dog is just not right). It was also windy, and I kept getting dirt or eyelashes in my eye, so I found my finger constantly digging around in my eye. Keeping my hands off my face and out of my eyeballs is going to be a challenge!

I keep hearing about employers asking their employees to work from home. While I am very grateful to have the opportunity to work from home one day a week, the thought of having to do it every day sounds a bit lonely. While I could still call my co-workers, there is something about the face-to-face bonding that I find important. I wonder if this affects me more because I am single. On many days, the people at work may be the only humans I interact with.

Community and the Human Touch

The gym is also where I find community, so I wonder how that will change. Many people are in close proximity to each other at the gym, and people are not always the best about wiping down the equipment they use. While we are there for our health, many may worry that there are too many people in close contact and that the equipment surfaces may harbor the virus. At this point, I will still go to my favorite class on Wednesday nights, as it is more than just a workout; it is an energizing group of positive people. On other days, I may do a YouTube video or find an outdoor activity as the weather is still nice (wait, is that rain I hear on my rooftop?).

I will also miss human touch. I didn’t come from a family of huggers and finally learned the value of hugs in my 20s when I met my friend Jane. I think I have now become an over-hugger. My mentee also always jokes about the time I stole a hug from another mentor that was meant for my mentee. Last night I met up with a friend for dinner and gave her a couple of extra hugs, thinking hugging may soon be seen as a dangerous act.

Travel Itch

One of the other difficult things to face is the possibility of canceling travel plans. I have a trip booked to New York City in May. I was so excited to get a great deal on my airline tickets and started a countdown on the chalkboard. My mom noted while visiting, “Your countdown has had the same number on it for days.” I think I had already started to wonder if it was really going to happen. I may just erase it entirely and find a more motivating message to display for myself. The travel itch is a tough one to ignore in these times.

Dating?

I could pretend that I am upset that dating may be difficult now. People may be more reluctant to want to meet, and it will be more difficult to happen to meet someone organically as people keep their distance or avoid leaving the house. Most people on Bumble already seem scared to meet in person, so I guess not much will change there. Or, we could all date in pods like they did in Love is Blind.

Actions to Connect With Others and Yourself

While it is easy to get stuck in anxiety with no clear answers as to what is going to happen, I know I need to move on and make the decisions I feel good about in the moment. If I end up under quarantine or if people just choose to stay home on their own, I will still find ways to connect with people.

Maybe social media can become more of a community again. While it has morphed into a place filled with ugly politics, fake news and memes, could it become a place for people to connect with each other again? It may be a place worth reaching out to people I haven’t connected with in a while. The Single Mingle group is also always full of conversation.

I believe there are some outdoor activities that could still be done together or alone that would bring some great energy. Hiking some less traveled trails would bring health and connection to nature. You could also probably stay a comfortable distance away from a companion and not be truly alone. There are not many surfaces to touch, unless you are going up a tough mountain like Camelback. I am sure Tanya would always be up for a hike.

It could be a chance to play with creativity. While I am not an artist, I do enjoy playing with paints, as it is very soothing. It would also give me a chance to write some poetry or blog posts. Tiesha has a lot of inspirational ideas on art and creativity.

And, finally it is an opportunity for introspection and focusing on yourself. There will be a feeling of loss of freedom and control about what we can do, so it is a great opportunity to take a look at being versus doing.

If you have any other ideas of how to face the uncertainty and potential isolation, please share your thoughts in the comments.