I recently had a session with my life coach, and we discussed how I would like to develop future relationships. He asked me to identify three words that were important to me in a relationship. The catch was that I was not allowed to search my mind for the words; they had to come from my heart. Since I am listening to my brain most of the time, my heart would have some surprises for me. The word “patience” leaped from the warmth in my chest and commanded attention. In exploring it further, I found that patience is something that I need to give myself and others and what I need from people in my life.
Patience for Myself
I realized I have been particularly hard on myself lately. It is a new year, and I was feeling a bit of pressure to set some resolutions or goals. After a tough 2020, I think we all want to have a magical 2021.
But maybe everything does not have to happen right away. Instead of continuing to step on the scale every morning and being unhappy with those devilish red numbers staring up at me, I decided to shame the scale instead of myself and put it away for a while. I trust myself to get back to working out on a more regular basis and cooking healthy meals on my own timetable without those angry numbers telling me what to do.
I was also getting down on myself for not shipping more podcasts and blog posts. “Just sit down and write!” I now realize how mean that sounds, and no wonder I found myself with writer’s block and kept avoiding sitting down with a laptop and my thoughts.
I found that another thing that was blocking me from writing is that I did not feel like I had anything to write about, since all I have been doing is sitting around binge-watching Cobra Kai 3 and Bridgerton. I considered how patience would play a role in my writing. Since writing is something that would make me feel more like myself, I still felt it was important to do, but I did not want the pressure of writing a blog post to share with the world. It felt stressful and impossible, because I thought I needed to write something that would be insightful to share with others.
So, I found a place in the middle that would allow me to express myself, without the pressure of publishing. I signed up for an online writing program called Daily OM: A Year of Writing to Uncover the Authentic Self. Despite the title, I decided to just focus on the writing exercises, rather than the goal of uncovering my authentic self, as that sounds intimidating. Each week they would post new writing prompts. This solved the “What do I write about?” angst and gave me a place where I could feel free to let the words flow for myself and not have to share them with the world. I now feel a connection to writing again.
Patience for Others
You have all probably heard the saying, “We are all in the same storm but in different boats.” The cyclone of 2020 has hurt all of us in a multitude of ways with surges sometimes coming at different times. It has left us unable to cope with life physically or emotionally at times. It is important for me to remember to have patience with others who may have challenges they do not feel comfortable sharing.
In addition to the masks we are wearing to prevent COVID, our culture pressures us to wear the mask that shows “We got this,” even when we are ready to crumble any minute. It is important to remember that everyone is dealing with something right now and their behavior toward us is probably not personal. If someone does not text me back, answer my email or forgets my birthday, I will tap into my patience to remember that people are doing the best they can right now. They may be just trying to keep their head above water and might need a break and possibly a hand.
While I am thinking about this in terms of my friends and family, I think this can also be applied with strangers. Rather than turning to road rage or anger when you see someone make a mistake while driving, consider all the things they may have on their mind, or maybe they are hurrying to the hospital with a loved one. And of course, we can recall all the driving mistakes we have made when we had an off day and extend that patience and compassion to others.
Receiving Patience
When I look at what I have been missing in past friendships and relationships, I also see patience. While I wish I were the perfect friend or girlfriend, I know I make mistakes and am still on a learning journey that will probably never end. In the past, I have felt that if I made a mistake and hurt someone, they were quick to dismiss me without a second chance. Based on some of those experiences, I learned to walk on eggshells, until I could not stand how it felt beneath my feet.
My authentic self is flawed and inexperienced. I need someone who is willing to learn and grow with me. I also ask that they understand that sometimes I must make decisions that are in my best interest, even if they do not agree with it. Their patience with me will help build trust in the relationship.
Practicing Patience
Patience does not come naturally to me, so I will need some practice. One way is to stop and take a breath before reacting when someone upsets me. After that, I can consider what the person may be going through that may have made them make a certain choice. It is important to remember that we are all doing the best we can in crazy times. Let’s give each other a break and a breath.
And when we find we are being hard on ourselves, let’s also take a breath and give ourselves a break.
Now my brain even agrees that patience is the answer.