Like many people, I skipped my annual physical last year to avoid putting myself at risk by visiting any medical offices. After being fully vaccinated, I figured I should not put it off any longer. Usually, I am most fearful of the blood tests and just pass out thinking about the needle. This time, I did not want to step on the scale. I already knew the numbers would not be what I wanted to see, but I also feared the judgment and advice that would likely follow from my doctor. What I found instead was compassion and empathy.
My doctor is the type that takes time to get to know you and really listens. She could sense my anxiety about my weight when I talked about it and even offered the opportunity to skip stepping on the scale if I wanted. I decided to face my fear and jump on it anyway (after taking off my shoes, of course). After awkwardly saying the number out loud, I decided to try to beat her to it and ask her what eating plan she suggested to fix this situation.
She could tell that this question was coming from a place where I was beating up on myself and was not something I was ready to commit to based on a lot of the other things going on in my life that have left me in a tough place emotionally.
She left me with some beautiful words of advice, “Give yourself some grace.” I let that settle into my soul the rest of the day and decided I need to stop fighting for everything to be perfect.
I woke up the next morning and looked through my Facebook memories and saw a picture of a beautiful church I visited with a friend in San Francisco five years ago. The bright banners hanging from the outside of the cathedral at the top Nob Hill said, “Grace is Home.” It looks like this word, grace, is going to follow me around to remind me.
I also took a moment to reflect on that visit to the cathedral. I am usually a bit reluctant to enter churches. When I was in college, I gave up being Catholic for Lent and never picked it back up. We chose the perfect time to visit Grace Cathedral, as we were able to sit up by the choir and take in their beautiful voices. It felt comforting to settle in and listen to this powerful gift the singers were sharing with us.
The church also had a labyrinth in the entry way, which offered a moment of peaceful reflection. Anytime I see a labyrinth, I am drawn to walk it, and it seems that I find them when I really need them. The labyrinth signifies a journey to our center and back out into the world. I feel it is a reminder to take the time to touch base with myself and to see what I need to do to care for myself, so that I can re-emerge to connect with the world when I am ready. I do not need to rush.
As we get back out into the world in whatever way makes us feel safe after the pandemic, do not be too hard on yourself if you do not feel like the same person. Do not place unrealistic expectations on yourself in order to feel worthy. You just went through some very tough times, and you deserve the time, space and compassion to move into this next phase.
And do not play the comparison game. Maybe you did not have any family or friends who got sick and did not have any financial hardships during this time. It does not mean you did not have your own challenges and difficulties. I believe we all had many parts of our lives turned upside down in the last year and may not have had the support systems we were used to because most people were emotionally exhausted.
One thing we could all do for ourselves is to take my doctor’s advice and give ourselves more grace.