Dear Heidi From 2010,
I saw your post in my Facebook memories this morning, and I feel you girl, and I know what is coming next. Your post said, “This has been the best January ever. Will February be just as fab?” Actually, there were two spaces after the period, but girl, we don’t do that anymore. You are not in Mrs. Brayton’s typing class.
In January of 2010, you started dating a guy you were super excited about. This was the first time you dated anyone after your two-year relationship ended with the man you thought you were going to marry. It was easy to see why you were excited. This man was attractive, kind, raved about your cooking and seemed really into you. Who wouldn’t be feeling joy?
Heidi from 2010, I am not sure if I should tell you what will happen in February of 2010 or just let you enjoy your happiness for now. You’re a strong girl, so let’s go with the truth.
From what I remember, things were still good leading up to Valentine’s Day. But no, you would not have a Valentine in 2010 (or 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, okay you get the point). He will disappear. You will feel disappointment, anger and confusion. It won’t be the first time. Questions like, “What did I do wrong?” and “What is wrong with me?” will fill your head.
First, don’t put all the responsibility on yourself. Just because he is the person who left the situation does not mean there is anything wrong with you or that you did something wrong. Sometimes people get scared when they are with someone who treats them well. They don’t think they deserve it. They move into fear, and you seem to attract the type who prefer to react through flight. Let them fly away.
I am sorry to tell you that this will not be the last time you experience this disappointment. Over the next 12 years, you will get excited about men you date. And yes, many times it will come crashing down when you least expect it. It just happened again last week. And yes, it hurts. You won’t be able to escape that feeling.
Heidi from 2010, what I can tell you is that you will survive the rejection. Some days you won’t be sure that you can get back up. You will feel like you got punched in the gut, fallen to the floor and that you might want to stay there. You will question whether it is worth continuing to put yourself out there in the dating world. I am not sure what 2023 Heidi will do, but I do know that 2022 Heidi is going to keep getting up.
I am reading Brené Brown’s new book “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience” with my book club. The section on disappointment was one that caught my attention the most so far. Brown says, “There are too many people in the world today who decide to live disappointed rather than risk feeling disappointment.” While dating may continue to result in painful emotional experiences, I think it is worth the risk.
Heidi from 2010, February will still be fab. You will accomplish so many other things. On Valentine’s Day 2010, you will run your first half marathon. You didn’t need a boyfriend waiting for you at the end because you were there for yourself throughout the race. You dipped into your internal strength to push yourself over that hilly overpass at Maryland Ave. Volunteers will hand you Gatorade and water and strangers will cheer you on from the roadside. Accept and ask for help from others when you need it. That is one thing I have learned over the last 12 years. While you may feel alone in your struggle at times, when you share it with others, you will be surprised at how they respond to your vulnerability. They will want to surround you with love.
Love,
Heidi From 2022
P.S. To My Readers: I will leave you with one more quote from Brown’s book, “When someone shares their hopes and dreams with us, we are witnessing deep courage and vulnerability. Celebrating their success is easy, but when disappointment happens, it’s an incredible opportunity for meaningful connection.” Let’s all be there for each other through all of it.