I woke up, grabbed my phone off the nightstand and pressed the button that would reconnect me for the day. I saw the blue message light blinking and looked in my text messages. The bright light from the screen hurt my eyes and made me wish I was still sleeping. “We would never work out because you can’t go with the flow.” That was the first message I received to start out my week. My first reaction was annoyance and a little anger, but I didn’t want to give it any more energy than I just did. Then I laughed. The message was from someone I had dated on-and-off again over a couple of years. I haven’t even seen him in over a year and could really care less that he didn’t want to be my future ex-husband.
I thought about those words – go with the flow. I will admit that I am particular about a lot of things, but when I look back at our dates, I don’t recall ever being high maintenance. Our first date was an unexpected double-date with his friends. I rolled with that one like a champ and ended up getting along with his friends so well that we ended up teaming up to pick on him. We had pizza for dinner that night, and I said I was fine with anything for toppings, so he chose them.
So, what was this “going with the flow” really about? As I thought about it more deeply, I think what he meant to say is that I am choosing not to go with “his flow” anymore. I have been speaking up for what I want and not engaging with behavior that doesn’t work for me. He was correct that we would never work out, as both partners’ needs are important in a relationship.
I think two things were at play to cause these shifts in my behavior. One, is that I have found a better balance in feminine and masculine energies. My natural tendency had been to spend a lot of time in the feminine energy, where I would compromise in all situations and be agreeable to keep the peace. Now I am using more of my masculine energy to be clear about communicating my wants and needs. Yes, I may be fine with any pizza topping, as there aren’t too many foods I don’t like; but let’s be honest, I really like mushrooms. Now I feel more comfortable expressing things as simple as pizza toppings or as deep as values.
Another factor in play has been setting boundaries, which I believe is another form of masculine energy. Because compromise is an important part of all relationships, you must determine where you are willing to let go and which things are non-negotiables. This has been a big lesson in my recent experiences with dating apps. While I may not have met my soul mate, I am meeting my soul teachers and am strengthening my boundary muscles.
I was chatting with someone who seemed like a good prospect, and then I suggested meeting for coffee. He said we should get coffee and go for a walk at a park. In my mind I was thinking it would make more sense to make the decision on the walk after seeing if it is someone I would want to spend additional time with, so I suggested just the coffee. He said he cannot just sit still unless he is watching a movie or at dinner and felt the walk was important. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and did my best not to tell myself any stories about why he can’t sit still. I agreed to meet him at the park and said I didn’t need the coffee part of the date (I don’t drink coffee anyway).
When we chatted in the afternoon on the day of our scheduled walk, he let me know he was running late and said, “Let’s do 7:15.” He didn’t ask if that worked for me (it was almost an hour later than we agreed to meet when we set up the date.) The time he suggested was also when it started to get dark and people would be leaving the park. I started thinking I might find myself on the next Dateline episode – not exactly how I want to meet Keith Morrison. So, I set my boundary and told him that didn’t work for me. He responded angrily, so I hit the unmatch button (one of the nice things about dating apps). It felt good to set a boundary and to be firm about what would make me comfortable and to move past those who don’t find my boundaries to be important.
While the natural instinct may be to feel rejection or anger when masculine energy or boundaries are not met with acceptance, you can also move past those initial emotions. I have moved into appreciation because I am able to see the situation more clearly and free myself to connect with others who do respect the real me. That is where you will find a meaningful relationship. This can apply to any type of relationship – romantic, friendships and at work.
After getting the text that day, I went through my morning routine and put on one of my favorite, colorful dresses that brings me joy. I thanked the man (in my mind) for the masculine energy and boundary workout, deleted all his texts and felt freedom as I started a new week.